Have Had

a few blue days but mostly good ones of late. Christmas was celebrated at my daughter's home on Sunday and we had a very nice time. We will celebrate at my in laws on Saturday and visit with a friend Sunday night.
I am beginning to get tired very easily so I nap a lot. The pain is under control so I am really blessed  on this journey so far. My Heavenly Father provides me with comfort.

The support of my friends and family has been awesome. I feel so loved.

Thank you every one!

Senses

I may be crazy..................but I don't think so. Everything tastes better, smells better , looks better and sounds better. Or am I simply appreciating all that was here all along more? I don't know but I do know that the fudge my friend gave me yesterday was far better than any I had ever had. The herbal tea my son's lovely girlfriend makes for me every night has the best aroma of any I have ever drank. The twinkly brown eyes of my youngest son are more warm and beautiful than they have ever have been and the Christmas Carols I listen to bring tears to my eyes as they are so touching and beautiful. Thank you Heavenly Father for all of this and for making me notice it.

Things

I think Heavenly father has lead me down this path to teach me some things. One thing that has hit me right away is how little of my things I really need. I have already offered many of things to people I care about that I think can use them. There is not all that much but it feels good to give them away before I am too ill so they go to the right people and are not wasted.

The other thing is LOVE. I have often over my life not felt very loved. This I had felt as long as I can remember, even as a small small child. I felt I was a disappointment to people. I no longer feel that. I feel more loved than I have ever been. It is a wonderful feeling. Thank you for all the love, the calls, the visits, the offers of help, the beautiful poinsetta, Rex. These things all keep my spirits high. My dear friends and family, I love you.

Results

Well the Cat Scans results were not good. The doctor gives me approximately 6 months to live. I have a lot of living to do in the next precious months. I am amazed by the friends who rally around me to support me. My family has too. I am blessed and this last earthly journey will be easier because of the loved ones who are at my sides. Thank you..............all of you. You know who you are. You give me strength, courage and make me feel so loved. I love all of you too.

Happy Thanksgivng!

It has been an up and down year for me, but all in all I have so much to be thankful for. Though I have several life threatening diseases I feel very well most of the time, my family are all okay and making it through this tough economy and Heavenly Father sure knows I am not underfed!!!!!!!!
Depression has come and gone through this; but Heavenly Father always finds a way to lift me out of my despair.........often by using his faithful servants.
My cat scan and 6 month exam has been moved up due to some rib pain I am having. So with in a week or two I will know the status of my cancer. No matter if it is back or not, I will let the Lord take care of it in His way and His time.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I am truly grateful for the friends I have.

Stefan and Maddie

Here is Stefan with his girlfriend Maddy. I like her a lot and obviously so does Stefan!

Sarrena

This is my granddaughter Sarrena. She is a delight in every way. I am getting to know her more and  more. We have a lot in common considering the age difference. ;) We are both really bookworms and like the Beattles.

Thankful One

My friend Heidi is sharing things she is thankful for. I thought that was a great idea so here is my first post on that.

Today I am thankful for Winter's first snowfall. As I watch it blanket the trees and grass it brings back many memories of so many first snowfalls. Each of them meaningful and beautiful in their own way. It makes everything bright and beautiful again after we have lost the colorful fall leaves. It reminds me that Christmas is on its way and there is much to do. But most of all it makes me pause and remember that our Savior was born on Christmas and how happy I am to celebrate that each year. I really love the first snowfall except for driving in it. ( I rescheduled today's appointments)

Dinner with Friends

It has been a long time since Ryan and I have had dinner at someones home. Ryan is not comfortable but is learning to do better and he did just fine tonight. He did not eat but he sat near us and lasted an hour and a half. He missed out on a great meal prepared by Heidi Pleshek. It meant so much to me to have adult conversation and just a nice evening out. It meant even more that you were williing to be patient with Ryan.

Thank you so much for having us Pleshek Family!

love,

Sue and Ryan

On the Up Swing Again

One of these days I will be able to just float through the rough times knowing that they are always followed by better times. Things are much smoother now. I feel better, Ryan is a bit better and we have a psychiatric appointment for him next week that may shed some light on these aggressive behaviors. I apologize for seeming so hopeless last week, but it is how I felt. Thank you to all of you that read this and your kind comments. I do have wonderful friends and I am blessed by knowing you.

How Can I

change my attitude? Face being alone with Ryan the rest of my life? Accept that I will never have a social life again.

When Stefan and his girlfriend move out it will be just Ryan and I. Stefan rarely talks to me anyway and when he does it is usually to cut me down or swear at me. So it might be better. How I wish Ryan could talk to me. Days and days go by when the only person I talk to is the clerk at the store or a receptionist to make a doctor's appointment. I spend hours each day in tears of loneliness. I am not a loner. Yes, I know I have Heavenly Father, and believe me I pray. There is never anything to look forward to at the end of the week. Rarely does anyone visit. It seems like life is over for me. I will never find anyone to watch Ryan so I can have a break. I grow more depressed by the day............how can I stop this? I hate being like this. I want to be brave, accepting of my life and try to make the best of it. I just cannot find anything to smile about any more. The way I am now, I can see why no one wants to be my friend. Lord please help me change.

Ryan Turns 21 Today

Though we had his party on Saturday today is his real birthday. I am so thankful that God gave me this wonderful son of mine. We have been through many challenges together and continue to now but we always come through them. It is sometimes lonely because people are uncomfortable with him and because of his inability to communicate he can be very hard to get along with if he is hurting and cannot tell you. We lost his caregiver because of this and it is understandable. I know Heavenly Father will provide someone to help with him when we really need it. Until then we make do and I am happy for his company.
We are now involved with the CP center in Green Bay and they are working on some communication devices with him. I am praying this is our answer. I also pray that other people will try to understand him and befriend him. So many people act like he is not even there...........not even saying hi to him. Heavenly Father values him and others with disabilities as much as He does all of us. I am grateful for the teachers and friends who do care for him.

Comforting Words

The Latter Day Saint Relief Society Women's Conference was on Saturday night. I was especially blue until I heard these words.

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf- "Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."

It was if Elder Uchtdorf was speaking right to me. My spirits are lifted and I feel like me again.

Feeling Good!

Oh yes I am! Still tired often but I have much more energy than I did. I also feel hopeful. That is the best of all.

I was approved for SSI last week which means I will have medical coverage!!!!! I am so thankful! To Live here in the USA is such a privlige. In many places I would have no coverage, and probably not the care I have already had. Problems we have, but I still think it is the best place in the world to live!

I hope every one has a great labor day and is enjoying the cool weather.

Have not Had a Lot to Write About of Late

I am feeling much better physically but I am fighting depression. I rather not write anything negative here so have kept away. I have good days and bad days. I have so much to be thankful for that I am ashamed when I get down but cannot seem to help it some days. I will write on a brighter day.

A Lot Has Happened Since I Last Wrote

Mostly Health concerns. Too make a long story short I was hospitalized again and they found that I had pneumonia. They did a cat scan of my lungs because my breathing was so bad and it showed no cancer!!!!! Bad news is that I have severe heart failure, possibly caused by a combo of high blood pressure, trauma from surgery and the chemo therapy I was taking for cancer. The good news here being no more chemo therapy, and I know why I am so worn out. The bad news being that the heart failure is as bad as cancer and I will have to wear Oxygen constantly now.  I am not taking this too bad because I already had a life threatening disease so...........what are you going to do? I am following Doctor's orders, resting and actually feeling better than I have in some time. I am accepting of this as I know that God has a plan, that there is much more than this life I have here and I know my Heavenly Father is fair. It will all work out in the end.

I was able to attend most of Sacrament Meeting today. What a privilege. I really enjoyed the two speakers I heard and took the messages to heart. Life is good today.

Ryan Had a Great Time at Michelle and Bruce's House

It was his first time alone there. But he was spoiled and taken great care of. He shared (sounds more like stole) Bruce's breakfast, walked outside to see the garden and colored rainbows. He appears eager to go there again! That is such a relief to me!

My Mom postponed her trip until possibly October. That should be better for us all.So right now all that is in the plans for me is one more chemo session and then getting back to normal if that is possible! Just to have a daily routine would be nice, where I don't need a nap twice a day.

A Better Day

I am feeling a little better and enjoying my day again. Played cards with my friend Michele this morning as she got to know Ryan better. ( She is his new caregiver) She will care for him alone tomorrow.

I am pretty worried about My Mother's visit here next week. One, the weather is going to be very hot and humid, neither her or I are good with that and my air conditioning is out in my car, so we are stuck here the whole time. Two, I will never get this mess cleaned up in time. Every time I want to get started I am too tired or too sick. Well I am going to push the next few days and get it looking nice I hope. I just hope she can handle the heat. I suggested she come in August when I would be feeling better too but she seemed hurt that I wanted to postpone it so we are staying with next week. She is 81 and stubborn! Wonder where I got my stubborn streak? There you have it! ;)

Other than that there is not much new here.................soooo thats all folks. At least for today.

Why Me?

Why do I have the kindest most considerate friends to be found? Why do I have so many blessing? Maybe for the same reason I have lots of challenges in my life..............................Heavenly Father simply knows what I need and when I need it.

Chemo went very slow but well. Rex Thorne drove me to the Doctor and then hospital and found things to do in Appleton while I was treated but still waited at the hospital another 3 hours. His wife Lanell asked us to stop at the house on our way to drive me home and presented me with some pizzas so if I am really sick like last time I could have an easy meal to make for Ryan. Then when we arrived at my house Rex gave me a beautiful geranium basket and some beautiful petunias to make hanging baskets with. This kind and generous couple made my life so  much easier in so many ways today. Heavenly Father is working through them.

I have many other friends who really have been there for me. I don't feel I am deserving of so much kindness, but my Father in Heaven does. I am blessed every day of my life and I am so grateful.

Time Flys

I really did not realize how far I was behind on blogging. I have had a bit of a social life and some down time feeling sick too. In an hour I will be on my way to Appleton for my chemo. :( 

Last week I was invited to go to Eau Claire Dells for a picnic and had a great time. Ryan really loved it ! The background to this blog is a picture I took of the falls that day.

On Saturday the day of the fireworks, friends and family each brought a snack and we relaxed and watched the show. Gresham did an outstanding display! Then the parents went out and I babysat. It was a very late night but worth it. I really enjoyed the kids.

Well that is it for now. More later.