Saturday, October 29, 2011

How Can I

change my attitude? Face being alone with Ryan the rest of my life? Accept that I will never have a social life again.

When Stefan and his girlfriend move out it will be just Ryan and I. Stefan rarely talks to me anyway and when he does it is usually to cut me down or swear at me. So it might be better. How I wish Ryan could talk to me. Days and days go by when the only person I talk to is the clerk at the store or a receptionist to make a doctor's appointment. I spend hours each day in tears of loneliness. I am not a loner. Yes, I know I have Heavenly Father, and believe me I pray. There is never anything to look forward to at the end of the week. Rarely does anyone visit. It seems like life is over for me. I will never find anyone to watch Ryan so I can have a break. I grow more depressed by the can I stop this? I hate being like this. I want to be brave, accepting of my life and try to make the best of it. I just cannot find anything to smile about any more. The way I am now, I can see why no one wants to be my friend. Lord please help me change.


  1. My heart is breaking for you and I feel ashamed of myself for not calling or stopping in more often. I can only imagine your very long days that stretch into nights and back to days again. I DO love you immensely. My life isn't so busy (at least right now) that I can't spend some time with you. Call me anytime to talk or ride along somewhere. I always have time for you.

  2. Dear Heidi,
    I did not direct this at you. You just had us over to make cider earlier this month!
    It is the situation with Ryan that makes this all so hard. Not being able to do the simple things other families do. Having my family pull away from us. I am sorry for even posting this I appreciate you friendship so much. There is nothing anyone can do about things. But we are okay. I vent sometimes then get over it for awhile. I love you.

  3. I feel your pain! Thanks for telling it like it is-- that isn't easy, I know. Hubby and I are certainly not much of a 'social bird' these days. In fact, this probably started and progressed to what it is when we had 'borrowed children' around. Because of our choice to 'do what we did', we were pretty much 'left behind' by a lot of people, too. Time and again, invitations would come to "he and I" only when the children of others were included. I got to a point where that didn't bother me in the least-- I just figured that no 'and family' = no us! So, Sue,........after I get some 'health things' out of the way in a couple of weeks, I'm going to see what I can do about giving you a chance to have some time for you. After 24 years of 'doing what we did', we fully understand that respite is an important factor in helping one go forward-- a 'break' is more than just having time off, it's more of a re-charging period (even if it's only for a few hours at a time)! Give me a week or so, and I'll talk to you about the possibility of us helping out. ♥ to you and Ryan.

  4. Oh Doris that would be wonderful! I could not think of anyone I rather have as I know how great you are with special needs kids. Very few people have the patience. I hope your health issues are small and you heal fast. You will be in my prayers.