Eat, Eat and Eat some more

Yesterday I heard some of the sweetest words I have ever heard! They came from the lips of my chemo therapy nurse. She looked directly at me ( me who could obviously stand to miss a meal or four) and said through the course of this chemo therapy you must eat! Not just a bite or two................we want those calories coming in regularly. It was hard not to weep with joy. I have never been told by a health professional to eat as much as I could. Supposedly I will lose my appetite soon and have a hard time eating? They obviously do not know me. When I am mad, sad, blue, joyful, happy or glad I eat. Chemo lasts into August so I anticipate a summer filled with bratwurst and kraut, chips and dip, potato salad and.................   Not that I am obsessed with food of course! So again it is proved that every cloud has a silver lining!!!!!

This Seems to Be my Graditude Journal a Lot of the time

and is going to to stay that way. It helps me in a small way to thank the wonderful things people do for us and I hope it will inspire others to help people besides me that are in need of a little help, be it prayer , or simply just being a friend in the best way you know how.

My dear friend Pat who is always praying for me, encouraging me and often does other things to make my life a bit easier, showed up with two big bottles of a vitiamin the doctor insisted I use during the next few months during chemotherapy. She special ordered them for me. Thank you so much Pat.

Today Rex Thorne drove me again to Appleton for my appointment that ended up lasting until 7:15 at night. He kept me laughing the whole time he was with me, making the anxiety disappear. When Rex has not driven me, Heidi has and Aaron High many times too. I am amazed how many people go out of their way to help me. To pray for me, to take over and help me when my family cannot.

Our Bishop Rekow and other members of the ward have helped me over and over again. I have had blessings, fasting for my recovery and many prayers. I am really not worthy of so much, but my Kind Heavenly Father believes I am and works through all of you. I am so rich in friendship! I am so blessed in so many ways.

Remembering What I Wanted

I had a dream last night about when I was about 17 or 18. At that time in life I was on my own. I had left high school and home because I surely knew better than my parents about how to live life. Life had not always been the happiest there due to alcohol use in the home and that was something I really wanted a way from too.
In this dream I remember a letter I wrote to myself about all that I wanted and wanted to be. I last night realized that I had accomplished much of what was in that letter. NO, not everything but much of it. I realized that wanting a close family, children and nice home and meaningful work what is what I wished for.I wanted to be fulfilled spiritually, though I did not mention how. All those years ago.............I really did know what I wanted. I did not know how I was going to get there. I swayed off the path so many times. Well Heavenly Father led me here, often through the examples and kindness of his other children. I am still following, not all the way there yet, but I see the path and believe it is the right one. Isn't it is nice to know that even when we don't see the path, that our Father in Heaven does and sends guidance to us? I am so grateful.

Bringing Happiness

We were out of hole punchers at our house. That is not a huge thing in most families, but it is in ours. Ryan loves to punch holes in paper and often wears out the springs. This calms him and just makes him plain happy. Every little thing we purchase right now matters so even hole punchers were on hold til next week. Through the kindness of my good friend Rex, Ryan now has new hole punchers! Ryan can't say thanks, and because he is shy around those he does not know, Rex barely was acknowledged when he gave him the gift. But let me tell you the joy he's  having this evening punching away may be a very simple thing but the most awesome gift you could give him. Thank you for all that you do Rex.............you  never look for acknowledgment or anything in return, you are just truly glad to help, just like your wife! I, my family, our ward and our community are really blessed to have people like you in it! Thank you!

Watermelon and Talk

My good friend Lanell just stopped over to share a half of a watermelon. ( yum) We also shared a short conversation that was just a nice break in my kind of blah day. How much just a few minutes time spent with a friend can do for the spirits! It makes me think I should more often reach out to call or visit my friends, if even just for a minute. We are meant to connect, learn and care for each other. What a treasure a good friend is!

Humidity

Is not my friend so I came home after sacrament meeting to get in the A/C before it causes problems. Christian our youth speaker for today  gave a great talk on heroes and the importance of picking the right one. I am amazed at how well the youth speak at our church. I always feel more able to face the week ahead after church. I am so blessed to be able to go there each week, to have my Heavenly Father and Brother's love and a testimony that this church is true. It is my everything.

What A Nice Way to Begin the Day

Our Church Ward breakfast was really nice this morning. My social life has really been lacking so being able to visit with so many good friends over a delicious breakfast was great! I left feeling so good! I then took a little nap and am ready to do a few things around here.

Just as I was writing this I received a call from my birth mother in Indiana. She is coming to visit me in July! I have not seen her in many years so I am beyond excited. It really is a good day for me!

Impatient

Yep, that is me! I was so concerned about the problem of getting care for Ryan so I could go to chemo that I did not even give God time to take care of things. My appointment was moved to later, which allows Stefan to be home from work in time to care for Ryan that day. If anyone sees me getting too impatient again please give me a swift kick you know where. I guess I need those reminders when my attitude is not what it should be. Thanks!

I Hope Everyone Missed My Last ( and deleted) Post

It came after a very long day, pain, frustration and really feeling terrible about having to ask everyone for help so often. Asking for help is about as humbling as you can get. Especially when you are not in a position to do much in return. All of you that help my family and I are wonderful. Please know how much I love and appreciate you! I am truly sorry I ask for so much from you all.

I am also frustrated about not finding anyone to care for Ryan. Respite care funds will pay $8.00 and hour for caring for him. It seems even in these hard economic times people are too afraid/ annoyed? to want to get to know Ryan, let alone care for him. Stefan helps a lot, but I can't expect him to miss work and risk his job to care for him. I am not sure if I will be able to start chemo as planned this week because I need someone for Ryan for a few hours until Stefan gets home. The Doctor is very anxious to start this week.

The news from the Doctor's visits was mixed yesterday. With out going into a  long boring explanation. I don't know what is going to happen. The cancer may stay away, it may grow in my left lung with a vengeance. It is basically , lets wait and see. My lung function as far as being able to breath well is finished. It is unlikely they will get better. I can handle that. I am feeling okay for now. If I am able to get to chemo next week I may feel pretty bad for awhile but it will pass. Because I still do not have insurance I cannot have the chemo in Shawano, I must go to AMC.  It is only 4 times I will go, three weeks apart.

Other than that.............The SUN IS OUT and I am going to make the best of this beautiful day!

I Was Touched

by the kindness of a stranger I will never meet today. A woman from the Social Security Disability Office setting up my phone interview went out of her way to be helpful. None of the usual bureaucracy or attitude. After hearing of my situation she said "I am not supposed to do next day appointments but I am going to for you". She then ended our conversation after giving me some more information with this. "I'll be praying for you hon".. And I believe she will. I seem to find the hand of God everywhere I look of late. I know he will bless that kind woman too.

Wow

Do I feel good today! I started my round of corticosteroids and it really gave me a boost. I can breathe and walk and do dishes, and pickup. These are not the kind of steroids that will give me big muscles! They do have some yucky side effects that I am hoping to avoid though.
It is amazing what a little energy can do for your attitude. I am not over doing................but it sure is good to not feel useless!

Rest

So my body has been telling me to rest today. ALL DAY LONG! I don't want to rest because I have a lot of things to do! I sure wish my body was more reasonable about when it needed rest and was able to spread it out a bit more.

I did not do much yesterday. I rode in a car and visited the doctor and that is about it! Not a lot of effort involved there. So now I am attempting to do a little laundry and the bulletin without needing a nap in between. This is ridiculous! I have to work on my stamina!

Otherwise it has been a good day as was yesterday. The Doctor  gave me encouraging news and I had great company to travel with. Life is still pretty good!

Bucket List

I think everyone should have one, not just people that are ill. I have had one in my head for some time, but recently my wants have changed and what I am physically able to do has too, so here is Bucket List part one!

• I want to spend the day at Wilson Lake with my family, have a picnic, swim, watch the kids play and so on.
• As soon as my health is stable enough I want to visit the temple as often as possible. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life and I am so anxious to go again.
• I want to visit Nauvoo! This is something I have wanted for about 4 or 5 years now. 
• I want to plant vegetables and flowers in my yard and make it pretty.
• I would like to visit my mother in Indianapolis. I have not seen her in many years, though we talk often on the phone.
• I would like to once and for all finish reading the Book of Mormon, D and C and Pearl of Great Price.
• I want to read the bible cover to cover.
• When I have finished the two above  I want to start all over because I know I will get more out of it each time I read them.
• I want to find a way to do service that is important and meaningful.
• I want to keep depression and anxiety out of my life and be excited about each day.

That's all I have for today, more to follow!

Roller Coaster

It is a bit of a Roller coaster with this illness. On Monday I was told that some of the spots in my left lung that were not biopsied may be cancers too. If so that is a seperate cancer from the one they took out. There is a long explanation I will not waste typing here.They will watch them carefully. I was also told my lungs may not get better and the oxygen may be permanent. On the good side, it is a very very slow growing cancer, so even if it is I have a good amount of time ahead of me. How much , who knows. But then who knows if they will be hit by a bus tomorrow? I think I am blessed to be able to work on the things I need to change about myself now. I have the chance to be a better Mom, friend and daughter. I have the chance to learn more about our Savior and hopefully become a little more like him. As I sit warm and comfortable in my little home tonight I am so thankful for all the blessings I have. The kindness and generosity of my friends and the love they show to me has helped me so much. I am so rich in the stuff that counts!!!!!!!!!!!

Another Beautiful Day

I was out walking...........though it was with the home care company man to monitor my oxygen saturation. Unfortunately I have to use it with exercise and for shortness of breath at home. They set me up with a outfit that fills small tanks right at home so it won't be that much of a hassle I guess. I think it will help with my fatigue so that is a good thing. Nothing much else new here. I sure like the weather.

Beautiful Sunday

I am feeling pretty good. After a great Fast and testimony meeting today I am filled with the spirit. The emotional testimonies and the discussion of the struggles we all have really make you feel a part. You realize that you are much more like everyone else that you sometimes think. I am so grateful for the Gospel, the chance I have to renew my covenants with the Lord and the the beautiful friends I have. I am so blessed.