Have Had

a few blue days but mostly good ones of late. Christmas was celebrated at my daughter's home on Sunday and we had a very nice time. We will celebrate at my in laws on Saturday and visit with a friend Sunday night.
I am beginning to get tired very easily so I nap a lot. The pain is under control so I am really blessed  on this journey so far. My Heavenly Father provides me with comfort.

The support of my friends and family has been awesome. I feel so loved.

Thank you every one!

Senses

I may be crazy..................but I don't think so. Everything tastes better, smells better , looks better and sounds better. Or am I simply appreciating all that was here all along more? I don't know but I do know that the fudge my friend gave me yesterday was far better than any I had ever had. The herbal tea my son's lovely girlfriend makes for me every night has the best aroma of any I have ever drank. The twinkly brown eyes of my youngest son are more warm and beautiful than they have ever have been and the Christmas Carols I listen to bring tears to my eyes as they are so touching and beautiful. Thank you Heavenly Father for all of this and for making me notice it.

Things

I think Heavenly father has lead me down this path to teach me some things. One thing that has hit me right away is how little of my things I really need. I have already offered many of things to people I care about that I think can use them. There is not all that much but it feels good to give them away before I am too ill so they go to the right people and are not wasted.

The other thing is LOVE. I have often over my life not felt very loved. This I had felt as long as I can remember, even as a small small child. I felt I was a disappointment to people. I no longer feel that. I feel more loved than I have ever been. It is a wonderful feeling. Thank you for all the love, the calls, the visits, the offers of help, the beautiful poinsetta, Rex. These things all keep my spirits high. My dear friends and family, I love you.

Results

Well the Cat Scans results were not good. The doctor gives me approximately 6 months to live. I have a lot of living to do in the next precious months. I am amazed by the friends who rally around me to support me. My family has too. I am blessed and this last earthly journey will be easier because of the loved ones who are at my sides. Thank you..............all of you. You know who you are. You give me strength, courage and make me feel so loved. I love all of you too.

Happy Thanksgivng!

It has been an up and down year for me, but all in all I have so much to be thankful for. Though I have several life threatening diseases I feel very well most of the time, my family are all okay and making it through this tough economy and Heavenly Father sure knows I am not underfed!!!!!!!!
Depression has come and gone through this; but Heavenly Father always finds a way to lift me out of my despair.........often by using his faithful servants.
My cat scan and 6 month exam has been moved up due to some rib pain I am having. So with in a week or two I will know the status of my cancer. No matter if it is back or not, I will let the Lord take care of it in His way and His time.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I am truly grateful for the friends I have.

Stefan and Maddie

Here is Stefan with his girlfriend Maddy. I like her a lot and obviously so does Stefan!

Sarrena

This is my granddaughter Sarrena. She is a delight in every way. I am getting to know her more and  more. We have a lot in common considering the age difference. ;) We are both really bookworms and like the Beattles.

Thankful One

My friend Heidi is sharing things she is thankful for. I thought that was a great idea so here is my first post on that.

Today I am thankful for Winter's first snowfall. As I watch it blanket the trees and grass it brings back many memories of so many first snowfalls. Each of them meaningful and beautiful in their own way. It makes everything bright and beautiful again after we have lost the colorful fall leaves. It reminds me that Christmas is on its way and there is much to do. But most of all it makes me pause and remember that our Savior was born on Christmas and how happy I am to celebrate that each year. I really love the first snowfall except for driving in it. ( I rescheduled today's appointments)

Dinner with Friends

It has been a long time since Ryan and I have had dinner at someones home. Ryan is not comfortable but is learning to do better and he did just fine tonight. He did not eat but he sat near us and lasted an hour and a half. He missed out on a great meal prepared by Heidi Pleshek. It meant so much to me to have adult conversation and just a nice evening out. It meant even more that you were williing to be patient with Ryan.

Thank you so much for having us Pleshek Family!

love,

Sue and Ryan

On the Up Swing Again

One of these days I will be able to just float through the rough times knowing that they are always followed by better times. Things are much smoother now. I feel better, Ryan is a bit better and we have a psychiatric appointment for him next week that may shed some light on these aggressive behaviors. I apologize for seeming so hopeless last week, but it is how I felt. Thank you to all of you that read this and your kind comments. I do have wonderful friends and I am blessed by knowing you.

How Can I

change my attitude? Face being alone with Ryan the rest of my life? Accept that I will never have a social life again.

When Stefan and his girlfriend move out it will be just Ryan and I. Stefan rarely talks to me anyway and when he does it is usually to cut me down or swear at me. So it might be better. How I wish Ryan could talk to me. Days and days go by when the only person I talk to is the clerk at the store or a receptionist to make a doctor's appointment. I spend hours each day in tears of loneliness. I am not a loner. Yes, I know I have Heavenly Father, and believe me I pray. There is never anything to look forward to at the end of the week. Rarely does anyone visit. It seems like life is over for me. I will never find anyone to watch Ryan so I can have a break. I grow more depressed by the day............how can I stop this? I hate being like this. I want to be brave, accepting of my life and try to make the best of it. I just cannot find anything to smile about any more. The way I am now, I can see why no one wants to be my friend. Lord please help me change.

Ryan Turns 21 Today

Though we had his party on Saturday today is his real birthday. I am so thankful that God gave me this wonderful son of mine. We have been through many challenges together and continue to now but we always come through them. It is sometimes lonely because people are uncomfortable with him and because of his inability to communicate he can be very hard to get along with if he is hurting and cannot tell you. We lost his caregiver because of this and it is understandable. I know Heavenly Father will provide someone to help with him when we really need it. Until then we make do and I am happy for his company.
We are now involved with the CP center in Green Bay and they are working on some communication devices with him. I am praying this is our answer. I also pray that other people will try to understand him and befriend him. So many people act like he is not even there...........not even saying hi to him. Heavenly Father values him and others with disabilities as much as He does all of us. I am grateful for the teachers and friends who do care for him.

Comforting Words

The Latter Day Saint Relief Society Women's Conference was on Saturday night. I was especially blue until I heard these words.

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf- "Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."

It was if Elder Uchtdorf was speaking right to me. My spirits are lifted and I feel like me again.

Feeling Good!

Oh yes I am! Still tired often but I have much more energy than I did. I also feel hopeful. That is the best of all.

I was approved for SSI last week which means I will have medical coverage!!!!! I am so thankful! To Live here in the USA is such a privlige. In many places I would have no coverage, and probably not the care I have already had. Problems we have, but I still think it is the best place in the world to live!

I hope every one has a great labor day and is enjoying the cool weather.

Have not Had a Lot to Write About of Late

I am feeling much better physically but I am fighting depression. I rather not write anything negative here so have kept away. I have good days and bad days. I have so much to be thankful for that I am ashamed when I get down but cannot seem to help it some days. I will write on a brighter day.

A Lot Has Happened Since I Last Wrote

Mostly Health concerns. Too make a long story short I was hospitalized again and they found that I had pneumonia. They did a cat scan of my lungs because my breathing was so bad and it showed no cancer!!!!! Bad news is that I have severe heart failure, possibly caused by a combo of high blood pressure, trauma from surgery and the chemo therapy I was taking for cancer. The good news here being no more chemo therapy, and I know why I am so worn out. The bad news being that the heart failure is as bad as cancer and I will have to wear Oxygen constantly now.  I am not taking this too bad because I already had a life threatening disease so...........what are you going to do? I am following Doctor's orders, resting and actually feeling better than I have in some time. I am accepting of this as I know that God has a plan, that there is much more than this life I have here and I know my Heavenly Father is fair. It will all work out in the end.

I was able to attend most of Sacrament Meeting today. What a privilege. I really enjoyed the two speakers I heard and took the messages to heart. Life is good today.

Ryan Had a Great Time at Michelle and Bruce's House

It was his first time alone there. But he was spoiled and taken great care of. He shared (sounds more like stole) Bruce's breakfast, walked outside to see the garden and colored rainbows. He appears eager to go there again! That is such a relief to me!

My Mom postponed her trip until possibly October. That should be better for us all.So right now all that is in the plans for me is one more chemo session and then getting back to normal if that is possible! Just to have a daily routine would be nice, where I don't need a nap twice a day.

A Better Day

I am feeling a little better and enjoying my day again. Played cards with my friend Michele this morning as she got to know Ryan better. ( She is his new caregiver) She will care for him alone tomorrow.

I am pretty worried about My Mother's visit here next week. One, the weather is going to be very hot and humid, neither her or I are good with that and my air conditioning is out in my car, so we are stuck here the whole time. Two, I will never get this mess cleaned up in time. Every time I want to get started I am too tired or too sick. Well I am going to push the next few days and get it looking nice I hope. I just hope she can handle the heat. I suggested she come in August when I would be feeling better too but she seemed hurt that I wanted to postpone it so we are staying with next week. She is 81 and stubborn! Wonder where I got my stubborn streak? There you have it! ;)

Other than that there is not much new here.................soooo thats all folks. At least for today.

Why Me?

Why do I have the kindest most considerate friends to be found? Why do I have so many blessing? Maybe for the same reason I have lots of challenges in my life..............................Heavenly Father simply knows what I need and when I need it.

Chemo went very slow but well. Rex Thorne drove me to the Doctor and then hospital and found things to do in Appleton while I was treated but still waited at the hospital another 3 hours. His wife Lanell asked us to stop at the house on our way to drive me home and presented me with some pizzas so if I am really sick like last time I could have an easy meal to make for Ryan. Then when we arrived at my house Rex gave me a beautiful geranium basket and some beautiful petunias to make hanging baskets with. This kind and generous couple made my life so  much easier in so many ways today. Heavenly Father is working through them.

I have many other friends who really have been there for me. I don't feel I am deserving of so much kindness, but my Father in Heaven does. I am blessed every day of my life and I am so grateful.

Time Flys

I really did not realize how far I was behind on blogging. I have had a bit of a social life and some down time feeling sick too. In an hour I will be on my way to Appleton for my chemo. :( 

Last week I was invited to go to Eau Claire Dells for a picnic and had a great time. Ryan really loved it ! The background to this blog is a picture I took of the falls that day.

On Saturday the day of the fireworks, friends and family each brought a snack and we relaxed and watched the show. Gresham did an outstanding display! Then the parents went out and I babysat. It was a very late night but worth it. I really enjoyed the kids.

Well that is it for now. More later.

A Beautiful Day

I love the sunshine!!!!!!!!!! It is giving me a little energy that I was having a hard time mustering. I hung clothes out on the line and plan another load yet. The breeze is enough that they should dry fast. I remember hanging clothes with my mother when I was small and we lived in the desert. It seemed as soon as one was hung and dried that the last was ready to come down. I am not happy the dryer died ,but I sure love that fresh smell of clothes off the line.

My breathing seems to be getting worse again so I am stepping up the treatments. I think I will have to use the oxygen again too. Just with activity though.

I still have mountains of paperwork to finish for social security. A lot of it is information I already gave them once. I also have to call them now every time I have a Doctors visit or hospitalization. I sincerely hope they are working on things on their end. I do not feel entitled to benefits but it is part of what we pay social security for when we are working. Though I have not worked recently, I usually worked at least two jobs when I was younger and sometimes three, so I did pay lots of social security. Regardless of the slow system I feel very grateful that there is any program at all. In many countries I simply would have died without any treatment. The tumor they removed in April would have killed me by now had it not been removed. I am so grateful to be alive even with the rough times. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me...............it simply would not make sense if He did not. So I guess much of my faith is based on common sense. There has to be a purpose for life and what we enjoy and what we endure.

Hooray!

My daughter and grandson surprised me with a visit today! I was so happy to spend time with them. He is growing into such a little man! I had a blast playing with him and visiting with Katie. Family is awesome to have around!

I Feel Okay Again!

Yeah! I am tired but otherwise good again. What a relief. So I plan to do a bit, rest a bit , on and off today and see if I can actually accomplish anything. I want to clean this place top to bottom before my Mom comes to visit and at this rate it will take me until she gets here in July to do it.
There are things I wish I could fix before she gets here but she will just have to understand the lack of funds and make do like we do! She is not real picky, so I think she will be okay.
I am really excited about seeing her. Something to look forward to! After that, I hope to go to the temple in September or October when Chemo is done.
Still really miss my grandchildren and hope they visit soon, or I am able to get there.

Almost Human Again!

I went and had fluids and meds at the hospital last night and feel a little better! I won't wait that long if I don't have to again. They suggested I stay over night but that was not possible but I think last night was enough. I can eat a little and drink a little even though nothing really sounds that great. I will be so glad when this is over!

Trying to Stay Home

If I am not better tomorrow I will have to go get fluids at the hospital. I was able to hold down half a banana and a few sips of sports drink just now, so hope that is the first sign of things getting better. I sure appreciate the cast iron stomach I used to have now! ON the good side I am sure I am losing some weight.

Not So Good

I keep feeling worse but have hopes it will let up soon. I am not accomplishing anything this way. I have seen more tv this weekend than I ever ever have! I have had my fill! I am determined to feel better tomorrow!

Today

I watched the men finish the carpeting in the living room with full intentions of putting all the little stuff back myself. Instead I fell asleep and just now woke. Wow, this time the chemo is really packing a wallop. Also a bottle of my anti nausea meds became lost in the moving of things and I absolutely cannot find it. Not good. Otherwise things are okay at our house. Even with not feeling good physically I am felling better emotionally and spiritually which is much more important. With hopes of accomplishing much more tomorrow I am off to watch some tv and fall asleep again!

Two Down

and two more sessions of chemo to go. ( three weeks apart) My blood work was all good, they put in a pic line ( an IV that will last until chemo is all over in August), and the chemo dripped in with no problems. I was there until 7:15 though, so it was a really long day. The Doctor says I can expect this next three weeks to be a lot worse than the previous and the next one worse and so on. The drugs they are giving me accumulate so the concentration in my body is much greater as we go along. That is okay, I hope the chemo is making the cancer cells just as miserable!

I came home to the new living room floor, thanks to Jeff Cerveny, Aaron High, the Elders and my son Stefan. Tomorrow we will put the carpet back down and move in the furniture. It is a very sturdy floor and we will have no worries about it now. I am so grateful.


It is time to lay down. I am pooped.

An Okay Day

I am not sure why the dryer had to break down on a day I cannot hang clothes out. I am of course behind on laundry too. So I will wash enough to last a few days and dry it at the  laundry mat then do more when I can hang it out. I hope I can afford a dryer before winter though. We fixed this one once before so I don't think it is worth fixing again as it is ancient. It is the same belt I replaced last winter that broke.

I have a lot of junk to move today too. The Priesthood is coming to fix my living room floor tomorrow night. Stefan and the other men will move the big stuff tomorrow while I am at chemo. Every floor in this trailer has gone bad and had to be replaced. There is still more in the kitchen and bathroom but we will get to that eventually. It will be great to not have to worry about the living room. I am so grateful to them.

I am driving myself to chemo tomorrow. It is great to have some one along but it takes so long it is just too much to ask anyone to come along. Last time we were there from 11 am til after 7 pm. This time I have to see the doctor before to have a pic line put in too. It may be even longer this time. I will bring a book and maybe I will even be able to nap awhile. I wish social security would hurry up, because then I could have my chemo in Shawano. If you have no insurance you have to go to AMC.

On a happy note, I talked to Katie yesterday and she sent me lots of pics and movies of the kids. They are getting a car next week  and will come up to visit then. She had too much going before and that is why she did not want me to visit before. That makes me feel a lot better. I really miss them.

Caregiver for Ryan

Hooray! My friend Michele got the job to be Ryan's caregiver up to 20 hours a week for respite care. It is such a relief to have someone. I will be able to rest or do things around the house or  even go to town alone!!!!!!! Most of the time I love having Ryan around, but for doctor appointments, chemo and Wal mart it is better to be alone. Ryan seems to like Michele already so I think they will get used to each other fairly quickly.

I felt like crap this morning but am finally feeling a bit better this afternoon. I have a lot of things I want to get done over the next few days so they are done if the chemo hits me hard this time. I guess about only half the days since my treatment were rough ones. I had many days I felt just fine and that is better than I expected.

Still missing Katie and the kids.............but there is nothing I can do about it. So I will try not to think about it so much. I don't feel as depressed as yesterday. I don't want to go on meds for depression because they are so expensive and I am hoping I can just get past this bad spot myself. I take enough meds already and suspect they contribute to me feeling so down. I try to be cheerful even when I am not and sometimes that helps. I have so much to be grateful for that I really should not be depressed. Being lonely is something that never bothered me before. Now it does. I am such a big baby about some things. Nobody has a perfect life and I just need to focus on what is right with my life instead of what is wrong.

Church

Was really uplifting Sunday. Listening to the talk by Sammi and her return from her mission was especially great. You could tell how sincerely happy she was to have served. I am surprised she did not convert the whole state! She has that kind of personality that is hard to resist.
It made me think about the opportunity s I have to share my own testimony. They seem so few..............but then maybe I am just not looking for them. If I found a great new place to shop really cheap I would share it all the time. But here I know of a great way to live and I rarely talk about it. I am going to make a effort to do more of that.
Though I think I am struggling with depression or maybe just the side effects of the drugs I am still encouraged about my health. Round 2 of chemotherapy is Thursday and I am anxious to get it over with! That will mean only 6 more weeks until my last treatment. Having my energy back will be the best part. Now I do about half and hour and even less on bad days before I have to sit. I feel like I am 98 instead of 53!
I really miss my daughter and grandchildren. They seem to have pulled away from me. I have not seen them since before my surgery in April. I think the cancer scares my daughter and that is maybe why. It hurts a lot though. I see the happy families in church and I am jealous. I hate that about me.  I want so much for my family to be like that. But it is my own fault. I should have raised them in the church and so now we all pay the price. It is my biggest regret. I could have been a much better mother. My children would have much better lives now if I had.

I don't want to spend the rest my life wallowing in regrets. I really don't. I want to somehow make up for some of my mistakes. I am trying to do that and I hope Heavenly Father is merciful and helps me to do just
that. If I can only keep my attitude up I hope I can make a change.

Another Saturday Night

I remember when there was always something to do on Saturday night. Now days there is seldom something to do, unless it is at home with just Ryan and I. Stefan is off with his friends like a normal 23 year old should be. But is it normal for a 53 year old to be home every weekend, one after another? I am determined to find an affordable way to get out of the house and around people again. I am starved for conversation, laughter and company.

Just Hanging In There

I have been feeling pretty low physically, which is normal during this part of the chemo cycle. I feel like maybe I am starting to come back to normal though. I hope so as it is only a week until my next session.


The support group was nice. It was all people that went through cancer some time ago though. It is nice to see so many long time survivors. I would have loved to seen someone who had gone through the same kind of cancer as mine recently though. They are really kind and nice people.

This new med I am on for pain is non narcotic but still makes me very sleepy. I almost fell asleep on the phone with my Mother this morning. I look forward to a day with no pills.

I continue to wait for news from Social Security. My calls go unanswered...........so all I can do is wait it seems. Every few weeks I update the bookkeepers at the different Doctor's offices. They are being patient, thank goodness.

Tomorrow I hope to take Ryan swimming. I hope it is not too cold! I cannot take the heat of the day today or would have gone today. He really needs to get out and do something! He is such a good boy and really is  helpful to me in many ways. He senses when I am down and tries to cheer me. I am so blessed to have this special boy.

Not much else for news here. I am a bit bored but that is my own fault. There are things I could/should be doing!!!! Perhaps I will have the ummpf to do them tomorrow.

Bouncing Back

Wow kind of a roller coaster here. I feel good again. I am going to a cancer support group tonight. A good place to listen and to talk at. I know I talk about it too much but it is on my mind all the time. Maybe this way  I can get it out of there and have some time not thinking about cancer. I have been talking to the woman who runs the group for some time now and she is very dedicated to helping people. It promises to be a good experience.

Rough Day

There was no warning. I felt great yesterday and really bad today. I cannot complain too much though as I have many more good days than bad. Tomorrow I am off to the Doc again in Appleton. I have to take Ryan so I am hoping he is up for it. He likes the ride part but the waiting in small offices not so much. I wish I could just get some energy up, that is the hard part. I feel as if I just ran the Boston Marathon ;) and in reality I barely left the couch all day.

Another Blessing

No surgery for Stefan! At least right now and there may be a good surgery in the future..........long story and really his to tell if he so choses to. All I can say is that the storms of today continue to pass by and leave us standing strong because of Heavenly Father's kindness and mercy.

Another Day

Well Stefan will see the Doctor in Appleton today for deterimination of exactly what they will do. It looks like next week now. He is still discouraged but who would not be?

I am feeling a bit better. Love this sunshine. I am comforted by the fact that God sees us through each storm, no matter what. Not always when or how I feel it will happen but God guides us through in the end. So no more time to waste worrying . It will be okay, it always is.

Another Storm

It has been decided that Stefan needs surgery now. He has a strangulated hernia that must be repaired. So no work for him for awhile. He is so discouraged. It is hard to explain to him how God has a plan when the plans so often involve Stefan suffering. I pray he is shown that God does love him too.

I am feeling the low that comes mid cycle chemo therapy. I used my handicap card and even the go - cart  to get around at Wal mart today. Most of the money went to the pharmacy as usual. No wonder they are always building a new Wal Mart! They are making money hand over fist! I am just hoping for a nice nap this afternoon, a little escape from the storm.............so I can gather my wits and my strengths and go forward with a good attitude.

Eat, Eat and Eat some more

Yesterday I heard some of the sweetest words I have ever heard! They came from the lips of my chemo therapy nurse. She looked directly at me ( me who could obviously stand to miss a meal or four) and said through the course of this chemo therapy you must eat! Not just a bite or two................we want those calories coming in regularly. It was hard not to weep with joy. I have never been told by a health professional to eat as much as I could. Supposedly I will lose my appetite soon and have a hard time eating? They obviously do not know me. When I am mad, sad, blue, joyful, happy or glad I eat. Chemo lasts into August so I anticipate a summer filled with bratwurst and kraut, chips and dip, potato salad and.................   Not that I am obsessed with food of course! So again it is proved that every cloud has a silver lining!!!!!

This Seems to Be my Graditude Journal a Lot of the time

and is going to to stay that way. It helps me in a small way to thank the wonderful things people do for us and I hope it will inspire others to help people besides me that are in need of a little help, be it prayer , or simply just being a friend in the best way you know how.

My dear friend Pat who is always praying for me, encouraging me and often does other things to make my life a bit easier, showed up with two big bottles of a vitiamin the doctor insisted I use during the next few months during chemotherapy. She special ordered them for me. Thank you so much Pat.

Today Rex Thorne drove me again to Appleton for my appointment that ended up lasting until 7:15 at night. He kept me laughing the whole time he was with me, making the anxiety disappear. When Rex has not driven me, Heidi has and Aaron High many times too. I am amazed how many people go out of their way to help me. To pray for me, to take over and help me when my family cannot.

Our Bishop Rekow and other members of the ward have helped me over and over again. I have had blessings, fasting for my recovery and many prayers. I am really not worthy of so much, but my Kind Heavenly Father believes I am and works through all of you. I am so rich in friendship! I am so blessed in so many ways.

Remembering What I Wanted

I had a dream last night about when I was about 17 or 18. At that time in life I was on my own. I had left high school and home because I surely knew better than my parents about how to live life. Life had not always been the happiest there due to alcohol use in the home and that was something I really wanted a way from too.
In this dream I remember a letter I wrote to myself about all that I wanted and wanted to be. I last night realized that I had accomplished much of what was in that letter. NO, not everything but much of it. I realized that wanting a close family, children and nice home and meaningful work what is what I wished for.I wanted to be fulfilled spiritually, though I did not mention how. All those years ago.............I really did know what I wanted. I did not know how I was going to get there. I swayed off the path so many times. Well Heavenly Father led me here, often through the examples and kindness of his other children. I am still following, not all the way there yet, but I see the path and believe it is the right one. Isn't it is nice to know that even when we don't see the path, that our Father in Heaven does and sends guidance to us? I am so grateful.

Bringing Happiness

We were out of hole punchers at our house. That is not a huge thing in most families, but it is in ours. Ryan loves to punch holes in paper and often wears out the springs. This calms him and just makes him plain happy. Every little thing we purchase right now matters so even hole punchers were on hold til next week. Through the kindness of my good friend Rex, Ryan now has new hole punchers! Ryan can't say thanks, and because he is shy around those he does not know, Rex barely was acknowledged when he gave him the gift. But let me tell you the joy he's  having this evening punching away may be a very simple thing but the most awesome gift you could give him. Thank you for all that you do Rex.............you  never look for acknowledgment or anything in return, you are just truly glad to help, just like your wife! I, my family, our ward and our community are really blessed to have people like you in it! Thank you!

Watermelon and Talk

My good friend Lanell just stopped over to share a half of a watermelon. ( yum) We also shared a short conversation that was just a nice break in my kind of blah day. How much just a few minutes time spent with a friend can do for the spirits! It makes me think I should more often reach out to call or visit my friends, if even just for a minute. We are meant to connect, learn and care for each other. What a treasure a good friend is!

Humidity

Is not my friend so I came home after sacrament meeting to get in the A/C before it causes problems. Christian our youth speaker for today  gave a great talk on heroes and the importance of picking the right one. I am amazed at how well the youth speak at our church. I always feel more able to face the week ahead after church. I am so blessed to be able to go there each week, to have my Heavenly Father and Brother's love and a testimony that this church is true. It is my everything.

What A Nice Way to Begin the Day

Our Church Ward breakfast was really nice this morning. My social life has really been lacking so being able to visit with so many good friends over a delicious breakfast was great! I left feeling so good! I then took a little nap and am ready to do a few things around here.

Just as I was writing this I received a call from my birth mother in Indiana. She is coming to visit me in July! I have not seen her in many years so I am beyond excited. It really is a good day for me!

Impatient

Yep, that is me! I was so concerned about the problem of getting care for Ryan so I could go to chemo that I did not even give God time to take care of things. My appointment was moved to later, which allows Stefan to be home from work in time to care for Ryan that day. If anyone sees me getting too impatient again please give me a swift kick you know where. I guess I need those reminders when my attitude is not what it should be. Thanks!

I Hope Everyone Missed My Last ( and deleted) Post

It came after a very long day, pain, frustration and really feeling terrible about having to ask everyone for help so often. Asking for help is about as humbling as you can get. Especially when you are not in a position to do much in return. All of you that help my family and I are wonderful. Please know how much I love and appreciate you! I am truly sorry I ask for so much from you all.

I am also frustrated about not finding anyone to care for Ryan. Respite care funds will pay $8.00 and hour for caring for him. It seems even in these hard economic times people are too afraid/ annoyed? to want to get to know Ryan, let alone care for him. Stefan helps a lot, but I can't expect him to miss work and risk his job to care for him. I am not sure if I will be able to start chemo as planned this week because I need someone for Ryan for a few hours until Stefan gets home. The Doctor is very anxious to start this week.

The news from the Doctor's visits was mixed yesterday. With out going into a  long boring explanation. I don't know what is going to happen. The cancer may stay away, it may grow in my left lung with a vengeance. It is basically , lets wait and see. My lung function as far as being able to breath well is finished. It is unlikely they will get better. I can handle that. I am feeling okay for now. If I am able to get to chemo next week I may feel pretty bad for awhile but it will pass. Because I still do not have insurance I cannot have the chemo in Shawano, I must go to AMC.  It is only 4 times I will go, three weeks apart.

Other than that.............The SUN IS OUT and I am going to make the best of this beautiful day!

I Was Touched

by the kindness of a stranger I will never meet today. A woman from the Social Security Disability Office setting up my phone interview went out of her way to be helpful. None of the usual bureaucracy or attitude. After hearing of my situation she said "I am not supposed to do next day appointments but I am going to for you". She then ended our conversation after giving me some more information with this. "I'll be praying for you hon".. And I believe she will. I seem to find the hand of God everywhere I look of late. I know he will bless that kind woman too.

Wow

Do I feel good today! I started my round of corticosteroids and it really gave me a boost. I can breathe and walk and do dishes, and pickup. These are not the kind of steroids that will give me big muscles! They do have some yucky side effects that I am hoping to avoid though.
It is amazing what a little energy can do for your attitude. I am not over doing................but it sure is good to not feel useless!

Rest

So my body has been telling me to rest today. ALL DAY LONG! I don't want to rest because I have a lot of things to do! I sure wish my body was more reasonable about when it needed rest and was able to spread it out a bit more.

I did not do much yesterday. I rode in a car and visited the doctor and that is about it! Not a lot of effort involved there. So now I am attempting to do a little laundry and the bulletin without needing a nap in between. This is ridiculous! I have to work on my stamina!

Otherwise it has been a good day as was yesterday. The Doctor  gave me encouraging news and I had great company to travel with. Life is still pretty good!

Bucket List

I think everyone should have one, not just people that are ill. I have had one in my head for some time, but recently my wants have changed and what I am physically able to do has too, so here is Bucket List part one!

• I want to spend the day at Wilson Lake with my family, have a picnic, swim, watch the kids play and so on.
• As soon as my health is stable enough I want to visit the temple as often as possible. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life and I am so anxious to go again.
• I want to visit Nauvoo! This is something I have wanted for about 4 or 5 years now. 
• I want to plant vegetables and flowers in my yard and make it pretty.
• I would like to visit my mother in Indianapolis. I have not seen her in many years, though we talk often on the phone.
• I would like to once and for all finish reading the Book of Mormon, D and C and Pearl of Great Price.
• I want to read the bible cover to cover.
• When I have finished the two above  I want to start all over because I know I will get more out of it each time I read them.
• I want to find a way to do service that is important and meaningful.
• I want to keep depression and anxiety out of my life and be excited about each day.

That's all I have for today, more to follow!

Roller Coaster

It is a bit of a Roller coaster with this illness. On Monday I was told that some of the spots in my left lung that were not biopsied may be cancers too. If so that is a seperate cancer from the one they took out. There is a long explanation I will not waste typing here.They will watch them carefully. I was also told my lungs may not get better and the oxygen may be permanent. On the good side, it is a very very slow growing cancer, so even if it is I have a good amount of time ahead of me. How much , who knows. But then who knows if they will be hit by a bus tomorrow? I think I am blessed to be able to work on the things I need to change about myself now. I have the chance to be a better Mom, friend and daughter. I have the chance to learn more about our Savior and hopefully become a little more like him. As I sit warm and comfortable in my little home tonight I am so thankful for all the blessings I have. The kindness and generosity of my friends and the love they show to me has helped me so much. I am so rich in the stuff that counts!!!!!!!!!!!

Another Beautiful Day

I was out walking...........though it was with the home care company man to monitor my oxygen saturation. Unfortunately I have to use it with exercise and for shortness of breath at home. They set me up with a outfit that fills small tanks right at home so it won't be that much of a hassle I guess. I think it will help with my fatigue so that is a good thing. Nothing much else new here. I sure like the weather.

Beautiful Sunday

I am feeling pretty good. After a great Fast and testimony meeting today I am filled with the spirit. The emotional testimonies and the discussion of the struggles we all have really make you feel a part. You realize that you are much more like everyone else that you sometimes think. I am so grateful for the Gospel, the chance I have to renew my covenants with the Lord and the the beautiful friends I have. I am so blessed.

Back and Forth

It is still back and forth with the pain problem, but I am bored with the subject and rather talk about how good the warm sunshine feels on my arms. Life is still good regardless of these road bumps.

A World of Difference

Adjustments in pain meds were made and I feel lots better. Not ready to fly yet but better!

Lanell brought us the best Easter Dinner! What a great treat! Heidi brought us yummy soup and heavenly bread. We are so spoiled!  My appetite is back. ( not sure if that is a good thing though,ha)  I am hoping for more progress tomorrow but will do just a little at a time this time so I am not hurting so bad again.

We are so blessed and I sure hope we can begin to serve soon instead of being served.

I wish I hadbeen able to stay in the hosptial a few more days

I am pretty useless here. I don't have the enegy to do the things I should be doing. If I take enough pain meds I am too looply to get much cooking or cleaning done. If I go without the pills I am in really bad pain. I hope nothing is wrong. I was doing so well a few days ago. This invalid thing is not going well with Stefan, Ryan or I! My family needs me to get better quicker.

Home Again

I came home from the hospital yesterday. Everything went very well. They appear to have got all of the cancer, and there was none in the lymph nodes. After I recover from the surgery I will start some sort of chemotherapy. They say it is stage 2 only because the tumor was so big. (softball size) They removed my upper and mid lobe and a six inches of rib. The pain was not bad while I was in the hospital but is rather bad now. I am sure it will get better as the days go. I don't like being on home oxygen much but it is necessary for now.  I am so very thankful for things to turn out so well. Prayers, fasts, Blessing and the compassion of a Great Heavenly Father is what created this miracle.


I am giving myself today as one more do nothing day and then I will try to live life a bit more each day, pain or no pain! I want to live and not have everything be about having cancer all the time! I am sure Heavenly Father has things for me to do!

Ready Set and

it is a GO tomorrow early early in the morning. I am still getting conflicting reports on how long I will be in the hospital. It looks like a good week to ten days though. I am determined to cut that down to a shorter stay. I want to be home! I am getting packed and then I am going to relax, spend time with my boys and watch American Idol of course. I am leaving the rest of the  housework for the boys! It is about time they did some, it will build character! Ha! So this is my last post until I am back home.

Today

Today my daughter was told by the expert that her son Sovin is on the Autism Spectrum. We suspected he was but the reality of it is still hard to take. Compared to his Uncle Ryan he is much higher functioning so I hope that with therapy he can progress well. He is a bright little boy and so lovable. They say autism is not a genetic thing.........and there is no one else that I know of in our family that has it. I really think there is a genetic predisposition to it an then something environmental triggers it. When Ryan was diagnosed in 1992 there were very few people with autism in this area.  Now it seems like every other family has someone with it. The good news is that there is so much more available in therapy and treatment than twenty years ago. I love him so much and will do anything I can to help him progress.

It is a beautiful day today. I am going to go sit outside with Ryan for awhile and quit pondering why our family seems to have so many challenges to deal with. I am going to trust God. He knows what we need to learn or experience. Maybe some families already experienced these kind of challenges in the preexistence and that is why it seems we have more than our share. I do know that we still have more blessings than problems and I am so grateful for that. We will get by.

9 PM:  Ryan and   I went to the park and watched the river rush by as we sat on the swings. What a beautiful day! It was a good day in many ways. I have such great friends, who show how much they care in many ways. We really are blessed.

Getting There

I had my pre-op physical, ekg and blood work today. So it is all a go for Thursday. There is a change of plans about care for Ryan while I am in the hospital and I am praying that works out okay. His Dad will stay here at my house with him. It is not my first choice but really my only choice now.


Sure wish I could get my mind of things. There is nothing of interest to me on tv and I cannot concentrate to read. That leaves mindless computer games I guess! ;) It is just a few more days and I will have it over with!

I am Ready to get this over with!

Time sure is going slow. Too much time to think about it.

Beautiful Day

You could not ask for a prettier day. Ryan is napping, and I am considering one myself. Stefan made a meat loaf and vegetables in the crock pot so dinner is taken care of. I feel rather spoiled and it is nice for today! Sometimes a quiet day with no pressure to get anything done is really healing! I feel good today.

Good News at Last!

The surgery is set for April 14th! The left lung nodules are not cancer. So It is not stage 4! I am still working out details to care for Ryan, and numerous other things but I think it will all work out some how. If only I had medical insurance it would be much easier. I will figure it out though. I am so thankful that is not stage four that I feel like I can handle anything.

More Blessings

I found out that the ward is fasting and praying for me today. I am in awe of how kind and willing to sacrifice of themselves people can be. I am so grateful.

I ate a great stir fry meal tonight. Part of it was leftover chicken my friend Pat sent me a few days ago. Soooooooo yummy.


I am antsy tonight about the test tomorrow and tomorrow night I will be antsy waiting for the results on Wednesday. Both answers possible will mean big changes for me. I believe Heavenly Father will help me through either way. I am still afraid, but not nearly as much as someone who did not know that our Heavenly Father never lets us down would be.

I Realize

How many thoughtful friends I have. I have had offers to watch Ryan and to provide rides to the doctor. Besides the many prayers offered in my behalf my name has also been put in the temple by several people. I am blessed in so many ways. Another day of sunshine is lifting my spirits even more.

There is Sunshine

and it cheers me! I feel pretty good today so I am tackling some chores I have avoided while not feeling so well. I think I will make a pot of chili for supper and some fresh rolls too. They say you have to make hay while the sun shines so...........................

More Waiting

I could not go for my tests today because of the snow. It is rescheduled for Tuesday. Another week of wondering and waiting. I cannot catch a break.  The surgeon has a family emergency so he is out of town next week so no surgery if the biopsy results are good. They may do it the week of the 4th. So this is about 6 weeks or more since I found out it was growing and still another two weeks until surgery and that only if the left lung is okay. I have prayed, my friends and family are praying; yet it all keeps going terribly wrong. I wonder if I am being punished for something? I  am trying to keep my attitude up but it is so hard.

Is Beginning to Wonder

If I will get there for the biopsy tomorrow or not. The snow keeps falling and I hear tales of it taking people double the amount of time to get places tonight. It was hard to get an appointment already this week. It will really be hard on me if this is postponed another week or two. I am leaving it in God's hands.

Snow Snow Go Away Come Along Some Other Day!

I am not too happy about the snow that is predicted as it is likely I will have to go to Appleton for the procedure during it and I really cannot put it off. We usually do get some nice weather and then one last blast from winter before Spring comes to us.

I was looking at my yard and thinking about planting petunias in baskets. Petunias are one of my favorite flowers. Bright, cheerful and not very expensive. So while it snows and blows the next two days; I will be dreaming of a yard filled with baskets of petunias.

Sunday Morning

Since I am avoiding crowds in fear of catching something that will delay surgery if I get to have it I have been missing church. So I watched some BYU  TV this morning. A wonderful talk was given about What if all we did was motivated by love. Not by revenge or greed or for recognition but only by love. I think I need a sign to remind me of this.

YOUR MOTIVATION IS LOVE!

That is all I have today. 

I Feel Better Today

I have peace today. Prayer and then a good night's sleep seems to have washed away most of the anger. They will biopsy the new spots in my left lung this coming week. If they are malignant I will be stage four lung cancer and surgery will not be done. They may do chemotherapy and radiation. If they are benign, they will remove two thirds of my lung on the 31st. That would be stage one and I would have a better chance of living longer.

I hope I have a long time left here but am prepared to accept what comes. I know how I want to spend my time and with who. I am going to try not to waste anymore time in anger and bitterness. 

I Am Not Much of a Blogger

I have not felt much like writing. I am ill again or I guess it is still. I am afraid for my son Ryan if I am not here. I hope I have time to arrange things so that he is happy and well cared for. Today I see the surgeon............I pray he can still fix things. I wish I could feel closer to God right now. I am kind of angry and trying hard not to be. Some people are so brave through things like this. I am trying to be but today is scary and I don't feel brave at all.