Saturday, June 25, 2011

A Beautiful Day

I love the sunshine!!!!!!!!!! It is giving me a little energy that I was having a hard time mustering. I hung clothes out on the line and plan another load yet. The breeze is enough that they should dry fast. I remember hanging clothes with my mother when I was small and we lived in the desert. It seemed as soon as one was hung and dried that the last was ready to come down. I am not happy the dryer died ,but I sure love that fresh smell of clothes off the line.

My breathing seems to be getting worse again so I am stepping up the treatments. I think I will have to use the oxygen again too. Just with activity though.

I still have mountains of paperwork to finish for social security. A lot of it is information I already gave them once. I also have to call them now every time I have a Doctors visit or hospitalization. I sincerely hope they are working on things on their end. I do not feel entitled to benefits but it is part of what we pay social security for when we are working. Though I have not worked recently, I usually worked at least two jobs when I was younger and sometimes three, so I did pay lots of social security. Regardless of the slow system I feel very grateful that there is any program at all. In many countries I simply would have died without any treatment. The tumor they removed in April would have killed me by now had it not been removed. I am so grateful to be alive even with the rough times. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for simply would not make sense if He did not. So I guess much of my faith is based on common sense. There has to be a purpose for life and what we enjoy and what we endure.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


My daughter and grandson surprised me with a visit today! I was so happy to spend time with them. He is growing into such a little man! I had a blast playing with him and visiting with Katie. Family is awesome to have around!

I Feel Okay Again!

Yeah! I am tired but otherwise good again. What a relief. So I plan to do a bit, rest a bit , on and off today and see if I can actually accomplish anything. I want to clean this place top to bottom before my Mom comes to visit and at this rate it will take me until she gets here in July to do it.
There are things I wish I could fix before she gets here but she will just have to understand the lack of funds and make do like we do! She is not real picky, so I think she will be okay.
I am really excited about seeing her. Something to look forward to! After that, I hope to go to the temple in September or October when Chemo is done.
Still really miss my grandchildren and hope they visit soon, or I am able to get there.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Almost Human Again!

I went and had fluids and meds at the hospital last night and feel a little better! I won't wait that long if I don't have to again. They suggested I stay over night but that was not possible but I think last night was enough. I can eat a little and drink a little even though nothing really sounds that great. I will be so glad when this is over!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Trying to Stay Home

If I am not better tomorrow I will have to go get fluids at the hospital. I was able to hold down half a banana and a few sips of sports drink just now, so hope that is the first sign of things getting better. I sure appreciate the cast iron stomach I used to have now! ON the good side I am sure I am losing some weight.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Not So Good

I keep feeling worse but have hopes it will let up soon. I am not accomplishing anything this way. I have seen more tv this weekend than I ever ever have! I have had my fill! I am determined to feel better tomorrow!

Friday, June 17, 2011


I watched the men finish the carpeting in the living room with full intentions of putting all the little stuff back myself. Instead I fell asleep and just now woke. Wow, this time the chemo is really packing a wallop. Also a bottle of my anti nausea meds became lost in the moving of things and I absolutely cannot find it. Not good. Otherwise things are okay at our house. Even with not feeling good physically I am felling better emotionally and spiritually which is much more important. With hopes of accomplishing much more tomorrow I am off to watch some tv and fall asleep again!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Two Down

and two more sessions of chemo to go. ( three weeks apart) My blood work was all good, they put in a pic line ( an IV that will last until chemo is all over in August), and the chemo dripped in with no problems. I was there until 7:15 though, so it was a really long day. The Doctor says I can expect this next three weeks to be a lot worse than the previous and the next one worse and so on. The drugs they are giving me accumulate so the concentration in my body is much greater as we go along. That is okay, I hope the chemo is making the cancer cells just as miserable!

I came home to the new living room floor, thanks to Jeff Cerveny, Aaron High, the Elders and my son Stefan. Tomorrow we will put the carpet back down and move in the furniture. It is a very sturdy floor and we will have no worries about it now. I am so grateful.

It is time to lay down. I am pooped.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

An Okay Day

I am not sure why the dryer had to break down on a day I cannot hang clothes out. I am of course behind on laundry too. So I will wash enough to last a few days and dry it at the  laundry mat then do more when I can hang it out. I hope I can afford a dryer before winter though. We fixed this one once before so I don't think it is worth fixing again as it is ancient. It is the same belt I replaced last winter that broke.

I have a lot of junk to move today too. The Priesthood is coming to fix my living room floor tomorrow night. Stefan and the other men will move the big stuff tomorrow while I am at chemo. Every floor in this trailer has gone bad and had to be replaced. There is still more in the kitchen and bathroom but we will get to that eventually. It will be great to not have to worry about the living room. I am so grateful to them.

I am driving myself to chemo tomorrow. It is great to have some one along but it takes so long it is just too much to ask anyone to come along. Last time we were there from 11 am til after 7 pm. This time I have to see the doctor before to have a pic line put in too. It may be even longer this time. I will bring a book and maybe I will even be able to nap awhile. I wish social security would hurry up, because then I could have my chemo in Shawano. If you have no insurance you have to go to AMC.

On a happy note, I talked to Katie yesterday and she sent me lots of pics and movies of the kids. They are getting a car next week  and will come up to visit then. She had too much going before and that is why she did not want me to visit before. That makes me feel a lot better. I really miss them.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Caregiver for Ryan

Hooray! My friend Michele got the job to be Ryan's caregiver up to 20 hours a week for respite care. It is such a relief to have someone. I will be able to rest or do things around the house or  even go to town alone!!!!!!! Most of the time I love having Ryan around, but for doctor appointments, chemo and Wal mart it is better to be alone. Ryan seems to like Michele already so I think they will get used to each other fairly quickly.

I felt like crap this morning but am finally feeling a bit better this afternoon. I have a lot of things I want to get done over the next few days so they are done if the chemo hits me hard this time. I guess about only half the days since my treatment were rough ones. I had many days I felt just fine and that is better than I expected.

Still missing Katie and the kids.............but there is nothing I can do about it. So I will try not to think about it so much. I don't feel as depressed as yesterday. I don't want to go on meds for depression because they are so expensive and I am hoping I can just get past this bad spot myself. I take enough meds already and suspect they contribute to me feeling so down. I try to be cheerful even when I am not and sometimes that helps. I have so much to be grateful for that I really should not be depressed. Being lonely is something that never bothered me before. Now it does. I am such a big baby about some things. Nobody has a perfect life and I just need to focus on what is right with my life instead of what is wrong.

Monday, June 13, 2011


Was really uplifting Sunday. Listening to the talk by Sammi and her return from her mission was especially great. You could tell how sincerely happy she was to have served. I am surprised she did not convert the whole state! She has that kind of personality that is hard to resist.
It made me think about the opportunity s I have to share my own testimony. They seem so few..............but then maybe I am just not looking for them. If I found a great new place to shop really cheap I would share it all the time. But here I know of a great way to live and I rarely talk about it. I am going to make a effort to do more of that.
Though I think I am struggling with depression or maybe just the side effects of the drugs I am still encouraged about my health. Round 2 of chemotherapy is Thursday and I am anxious to get it over with! That will mean only 6 more weeks until my last treatment. Having my energy back will be the best part. Now I do about half and hour and even less on bad days before I have to sit. I feel like I am 98 instead of 53!
I really miss my daughter and grandchildren. They seem to have pulled away from me. I have not seen them since before my surgery in April. I think the cancer scares my daughter and that is maybe why. It hurts a lot though. I see the happy families in church and I am jealous. I hate that about me.  I want so much for my family to be like that. But it is my own fault. I should have raised them in the church and so now we all pay the price. It is my biggest regret. I could have been a much better mother. My children would have much better lives now if I had.

I don't want to spend the rest my life wallowing in regrets. I really don't. I want to somehow make up for some of my mistakes. I am trying to do that and I hope Heavenly Father is merciful and helps me to do just
that. If I can only keep my attitude up I hope I can make a change.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Another Saturday Night

I remember when there was always something to do on Saturday night. Now days there is seldom something to do, unless it is at home with just Ryan and I. Stefan is off with his friends like a normal 23 year old should be. But is it normal for a 53 year old to be home every weekend, one after another? I am determined to find an affordable way to get out of the house and around people again. I am starved for conversation, laughter and company.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Just Hanging In There

I have been feeling pretty low physically, which is normal during this part of the chemo cycle. I feel like maybe I am starting to come back to normal though. I hope so as it is only a week until my next session.

The support group was nice. It was all people that went through cancer some time ago though. It is nice to see so many long time survivors. I would have loved to seen someone who had gone through the same kind of cancer as mine recently though. They are really kind and nice people.

This new med I am on for pain is non narcotic but still makes me very sleepy. I almost fell asleep on the phone with my Mother this morning. I look forward to a day with no pills.

I continue to wait for news from Social Security. My calls go all I can do is wait it seems. Every few weeks I update the bookkeepers at the different Doctor's offices. They are being patient, thank goodness.

Tomorrow I hope to take Ryan swimming. I hope it is not too cold! I cannot take the heat of the day today or would have gone today. He really needs to get out and do something! He is such a good boy and really is  helpful to me in many ways. He senses when I am down and tries to cheer me. I am so blessed to have this special boy.

Not much else for news here. I am a bit bored but that is my own fault. There are things I could/should be doing!!!! Perhaps I will have the ummpf to do them tomorrow.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Bouncing Back

Wow kind of a roller coaster here. I feel good again. I am going to a cancer support group tonight. A good place to listen and to talk at. I know I talk about it too much but it is on my mind all the time. Maybe this way  I can get it out of there and have some time not thinking about cancer. I have been talking to the woman who runs the group for some time now and she is very dedicated to helping people. It promises to be a good experience.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Rough Day

There was no warning. I felt great yesterday and really bad today. I cannot complain too much though as I have many more good days than bad. Tomorrow I am off to the Doc again in Appleton. I have to take Ryan so I am hoping he is up for it. He likes the ride part but the waiting in small offices not so much. I wish I could just get some energy up, that is the hard part. I feel as if I just ran the Boston Marathon ;) and in reality I barely left the couch all day.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Another Blessing

No surgery for Stefan! At least right now and there may be a good surgery in the future..........long story and really his to tell if he so choses to. All I can say is that the storms of today continue to pass by and leave us standing strong because of Heavenly Father's kindness and mercy.

Another Day

Well Stefan will see the Doctor in Appleton today for deterimination of exactly what they will do. It looks like next week now. He is still discouraged but who would not be?

I am feeling a bit better. Love this sunshine. I am comforted by the fact that God sees us through each storm, no matter what. Not always when or how I feel it will happen but God guides us through in the end. So no more time to waste worrying . It will be okay, it always is.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Another Storm

It has been decided that Stefan needs surgery now. He has a strangulated hernia that must be repaired. So no work for him for awhile. He is so discouraged. It is hard to explain to him how God has a plan when the plans so often involve Stefan suffering. I pray he is shown that God does love him too.

I am feeling the low that comes mid cycle chemo therapy. I used my handicap card and even the go - cart  to get around at Wal mart today. Most of the money went to the pharmacy as usual. No wonder they are always building a new Wal Mart! They are making money hand over fist! I am just hoping for a nice nap this afternoon, a little escape from the I can gather my wits and my strengths and go forward with a good attitude.